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Know How to Treat your Love by Using Love and Intimacy Theory - An Article in Practice

استشاري وظيفة

The human being is a relational being. Numerous studies have demonstrated that universal need links to the vitality and sense of worth. Besides, more than the number of people from the entourage, it’s the quality of support really matters. Most people prefer to have a few friends or family members of the intimate rather than many superficial relationships.


A couple of researchers in psychology, Karen L. Vogler and Peter Ebersole, from California State University, conducted their employees a series of research on aspects of life that give meaning to it. Regardless of age, is systematically interpersonal arriving well in the lead?

Positive social relationships play a key role in the psychological balance and also have an impact on physical health and mortality. People who enjoy them find their most satisfying life, are less prone to depression and other psychological disorders, have a lower suicide rate than those who do not and better support the blows of fate such as bereavement, unemployment and disease. Causality is also in both directions, making a kind of virtuous circle: to have relatives facilitates the joy of living, and be happy leads to maintain close relationships with other people.


Young Couple

- By the way, what is love? An emotion, an attitude, a behavior, a decision? Probably they are all at once. Many psychological researchers have specifically sought to present an overall view of love that integrates all its facets. One of the most compelling approach is that proposed by Robert Sternberg of Yale University, the triangular theory of love, based on three characteristics: intimacy, passion and commitment.

- Intimacy is the emotional component of love. It concerns the feelings of closeness, attachment, warmth, and is expressed by the need for the presence of one with which you feel in communion. It is generally present in family and friendships.

- Passion is the motivational component of love. It leads to being in love, physical attraction and sex. It involves a high level of physiological activation.

- The Commitment Decision is the cognitive component of love. It is expressed in both the short term (decision to love someone) and in the long term (decision to maintain this love).

Sternberg speaks of love complete when all three components are present at a level of intensity, in attachment to a partner.

Sternberg outlines the different scenarios that may arise, depending on the presence or absence of a particular component. Of course, it is rare that this is in the form of all or nothing (for example, an absolute passion or no passion at all). The remarks which follow therefore describe trends rather than be an accurate reflection of reality.

When the three facets of the triangle intimacy-passion-commitment are present, we are faced with a complete love.

When only two facets are present, three scenarios are possible: mad love, companionship and romantic love.

Crazy love combines the passion and commitment. This is particularly the case when two people decide to get married quickly, before he could verify, through experience of intimacy, they really do one for the other.

Companionship, woven privacy and commitment, is a kind of long-term friendship, which frequently happens in couples where the passion has gradually disappeared to make way for a daily complicity.

Romantic love composed of passion and intimacy is typical of emerging relationships with high relational intensity. There discovery, admiration and mutual sharing between the two partners. It does not contain (yet?) Commitment.

When only one side is present, there is, again, three possible situations: the shock in love, affection and love empty.

The shock love, made the only passion is the “thunderbolt”. Sometimes it disappears as quickly as it appeared, for lack of intimacy and commitment.

The affection, consisting only of intimacy, is mainly present in relations between people of the same sex. It is rarer among people of opposite sexes due to the possible eruption of sexual attraction or passion.

The empty love has only commitment. It is characteristic of two situations: first weddings “arranged” which is the family and not spouses who chose partners; the other couples who have lived together for many years and no longer really communicate. This is the routine that dominates the relationship.


Couple in his garden

- The confidences are obviously an essential basis of an intimate relationship. As can be expected, women are better able than men to communicate in depth and welcome secrets of others. When a woman is reluctant to reveal to his partner, it’s usually because it fears that the latter does not really listen; when it is the man who is reluctant to confide, it is usually because he prefers clearly separate work and family life, and because he thinks his wife cannot help him in his professional problems. The conflict management mode greatly affects the level of satisfaction in the couple. It is not the absence of conflict that advances the couple, but how to manage them. A survey on this topic with twenty couples highlighted three ways to operate in conflict avoidance, the questioning partner and compromise. The latter attitude, following a discussion, is the only one related to satisfaction in the couple.

The triangular theory of love

The seven types of love according to Robert Sternberg

There is no one way to be in love and motivations that cause people to live in couples are numerous. In addition, our feelings of love for another person changes over time. This is besides the fact that two people rarely like the same way or for the same reasons.

There are several “taxonomies of love” structured from a few basic categories of love which, when combined, may be inadequate to classify all possible romantic lines, but at least mark certain normative trends.

One of the best known is the “triangular theory of love” psychologist Robert Sternberg. It poses three different entities that can, alone or in combination, explain seven major types of relationships. These entities are: passion, intimacy and commitment.

Sternberg says that a given relationship can be described by one of the seven categories, resulting from the possible combinations of these three entities, whose intensity can obviously vary.

Passion: physical attraction and sexual desire

Intimacy: the feeling of closeness and bond of trust driven by the exchange of confidences

Commitment: shared intention to build and maintain a long-term relationship with another.

Love-Toquade: Here, there is passion, but no intimacy or commitment. It is the love of a single night, often referred to, and in a rather inelegant, the “one night”.

Love Accomplice: Shape of love based solely on intimacy; for example, the relationship of a patient with his therapist. You can deliver very deep way, without feeling of physical proximity and without wanting to commit.

Empty love: This time, there is commitment, but neither passion nor intimacy. It is a contract of sorts. This happens to many couples, who are married and stay together despite the lack of communication or desire

Romantic love: Intimacy and passion without commitment. It is love which usually concerns young people. Living each from its own side.

Crazy Love: Here, commitment and passion, but no intimacy. A bit like in Belle du Seigneur or Romeo and Juliet. The lovers know little, but they love each other and promise to love forever.

Friendly love: It is in the context of deep friendship, which brings commitment and intimacy, but that does not include passion. This often happens to people who have known for years and see gradually evolve their friendly feelings towards feelings of love.

Love fulfilled: You guessed it, love it “ideal” that we boast in magazines and bringing together the three components: extreme passion, total commitment and intimacy.

Have you ever heard that kind of clichéd remarks in reference to a new relationship?

- “Passion, I need you to enjoy love when it is there, because after a year, it disappears almost completely”

- “Do not worry, it’s always intense debut”

- “Love and sex are two different things”

Whether you agree or disagree with these statements did not really matter. We are free to determine what is in us and what we want to evolve. In talking with a friend this afternoon, I came to remember - do not ask me how - from a theoretical aspect of my training in social psychology called: the triangular theory of love (Sternberg, 1986 ; Barnes & Sternberg, 1988; Sternberg & Grajek, 1984).

This theory therefore means that love is based on three distinct components: one emotional, the other motivational and last, cognitive. Let me explain.

Intimacy (emotional component) refers to feelings that make us feel connected with someone and experience of well-being, warmth inside the relation necessarily results from these feelings. The element of privacy is considered present in all types of relationships, whether family, friends or romantic.

Passion (motivational component) refers to energy, the forces that cause, among other romance of desire, physical attraction and sex. The passion is felt as an intense emotional state in which one longs to be with each other, to be united with him as closely as possible.

The decision-commitment (cognitive component) has two aspects: first, in the short term, concerns the decision to love another person, the awareness of the existence of this loves; and second, long-term, refers to the commitment to maintain the relationship.

Each love is therefore wants a combination of these three components to varying degrees that evolves during the life of the couple. This results in eight types of love ranging from the lack of love for the ideal love.

1) Lack of love: Intimacy (low) - Passion (low) - Commitment (low)

2) Friendship: Privacy (high) - Passion (low) - Commitment (low)

3) Maid: Privacy (low) - Passion (high) - Commitment (low)

4) Love-responsible: Privacy (low) - Passion (low) - Commitment (high)

5) Romantic love: Intimacy (high) - Passion (high) - Commitment (low)

6) Love-love: Intimacy (high) - Passion (low) - Commitment (high)

7) Love Hollywood: Privacy (low) - Passion (high) - Commitment (high)

8) Ideal love: Intimacy (high) - Passion (high) - Commitment (high)

At the beginning of a relationship, passionate love is the one on which the foundations of literature, film and all the fantasies arise. Generally, this phase contains little privacy and little commitment. Then the intimacy increases gradually to ideally make room for engagement. Gradually, the three components would find a new balance, passionate feelings declining turning into more tender and deep feelings.

Is not that interesting as a theory? For now you identify your type of relationship!!!


For many anthropologists, romantic love is a universal phenomenon that transcends time and cultures and whose foundations are firmly rooted in the human brain. As the oldest human artifacts, it seems that what we call love in the broadest sense has always been at the heart of our relations with others.

But that is only a few decades as psychology and neuroscience has truly started to dissect what is considered one of the most exciting human experiences. An experience where we perhaps are only willing victims of an irresistible biochemical cocktail served in a bar named “brain”...

We must first distinguish what Helen Fisher called romantic love of the two other major systems that according to her co-evolved with him, sexual desire and attachment. While the former would allow individuals to initiate courtship behavior and mating with a number of partners, romantic love would motivate to focus on one partner, allowing them to save time and energy for the benefit their offspring. This offspring ultimate goal of sexual desire and romantic love, will then benefit from the third system, that of the attachment that develops between parents, to grow in a stable environment and provided with the necessary resources for its development.

Romantic love between two people often begins with a process commonly called passionate love or just “fall in love”. This is a subjective experience rather stereotyped, involuntary, difficult to control and transient. It is characterized by obsessive thoughts and intense attention to another individual to who is attributed all the qualities while minimizing defects. This idealization, produced by what is sometimes called the effect “pink glasses” of love, will bring an extreme empathy for the loved one, and a sexual desire often accompanied by intense possessiveness. A corollary, which could be measured, is less noticeable than men pretty women when they are in love. A phenomenon called “attentional repulsion” as the popular saying “love is blind” had seized a long time...

All this obviously comes with great euphoria and a general increase in energy level. New couples also exalt their new relationship, saying it is special and they are closer than other couples.

Then this develops an emotional dependence and a constant search of the emotional fusion with the other. A phenomenon that often leads to a way of thinking developed obsessive about the beloved. A temporary separation outside their will generate anxiety among new love. But adversity often tends to reinforce the passion of love, by a mechanism called “frustration-attraction”.

They say the passion of romantic love that is stronger than sexual desire for the simple reason that few people fall into depression or even suicide or commit homicide if someone refuses to sleep with them. Unfortunately, all these behaviors occur in people rejected a relationship.

What may well give those behaviors such an important character? The answer has much to do with another very powerful experience that humans can experience: the dependence on certain psychoactive substances.

Because in many ways romantic love is like an addiction. It shares many features with it as obsession, mental focus, emotional fluctuations, distortion of reality, personality changes, risk-taking or loss of self control. Cross an entire country on a whim for a few kisses the beloved certainly has something that can make you smile. But that is reminiscent psychological dependence (or “craving” in English) of a drugged person lacking and desperate to get her dose.

Also, as with any drug, the need for various reasons, to end the relationship can be experienced very painfully and bring many “relapses”.

Brain imaging studies have shown that these behavioral analogies resonate at the underlying neural pathways activation. Indeed, when subjects contemplate a photo of their lovers under the scan you can see activate specific regions of the brain associated with reward system. These regions are rich in receptors for dopamine, the neurotransmitter strongly involved in the euphoria and dependence phenomena.

Other neurotransmitters such as norepinephrine or serotonin, as they combine their effects on dopamine explain hyperactivity, obsessive character and all other exhilarating sensations of a new relationship.

Finally, studies comparing the brains of people “fell in love” recently than people in different emotional states (sexual arousal, feelings of happiness and euphoria induced by cocaine) show that the brain activation pattern “in love “is unique. However there is a partial overlap and a close proximity between these positive emotional states.

Moreover, other types of relationships that play a significant role in the life of an individual and that could be called neighbor of romantic love may well have their own neural signature, while being quite similar to that of romantic love. We are thinking here of filial love, to long-standing friendships, or ability to the more general compassion for his fellow men.

There is no one way to be in love and motivations that cause people to live in couples are numerous. In addition, our feelings of love for another person changes over time. Besides the fact, it is that two people rarely like in the same way or for the same reasons.

It is not easy to develop theories to see more clearly in all these types of love. And indeed, there are several “taxonomies of love” structured from a few basic categories of love which, when combined, may be inadequate to classify all possible amorous behavior, but at least some normative mark trends.

One of the best known is the “triangular theory of love” psychologist Robert Sternberg. It poses three different entities that can, alone or in combination, explain seven major types of relationships. These entities are: passion (physical attraction and sexual desire); privacy (the feeling of closeness and bond of trust driven by the exchange of confidences) and commitment (shared intention to build and maintain long term relationship with the other).

Sternberg says that a given relationship can be described by one of the seven categories, resulting from the possible combinations of these three entities, whose intensity can obviously vary. These different forms of love illustrate using a triangle where the three vertices represent the three basic entities.

The 7 types of love according Sternberg then summarized as:

With only privacy, Sternberg suggests a love shape close friendship (“liking”) true or doctor / patient relationship. If there is that commitment, he talks about partnership or empty love (“empty love”) as in arranged marriages. Love with the only passion is akin to desire, to love or infatuated romantic (“infatuation”), in short it is the stroke of lightning quick that can disappear as quickly. The true romantic love (“romantic love”) would be one formed of passion and intimacy (but not commitment guarantee). The complicity of companionship or love (“companionate”) is made of intimacy and commitment, often encountered in people in couples for several years when passion has subsided. Love admiring or silly (“fatuous love”) occur when there is passion and commitment, but without intimacy really developed when the commitment is motivated only by passion. Finally, love says “consumed” (“consummate”) includes three basic components and constitutes the ideal love relationship, difficult to achieve and even harder to maintain.

According to Sternberg, each individual can be defined by two triangles, one that characterizes her relationship presents, and that of his ideal relationship. The most durable couples are those according to Sternberg, which have compatible triangles. It also insists that each triangle is the result of our early influences and our subsequent individual path, and therefore, it is never definitively established and that each of its components will inevitably change over time. A desirable evolution for him is the one where the missing or weak basic components are developed.

That’s one theoretical model for understanding the birth and more or less a functioning relationship. Like the other model that we now turn more succinctly, it only describes the general patterns; each relationship between two people is unique.

This other model, Ellen Berscheid’s, brings the different forms of love in four categories whose labels also cover some of those of Sternberg. According to Ellen Bersheid, a middle-aged adult has experienced at least one or two of the following types of love:

The complicity of companionship or love (“companionate love”) is here also associated with friendship, so to mutual affinities that develop slowly, but which are then relatively stable over time. This is a condition that is often found among married couples. Romantic love (“romantic love”) is identified in the passion that makes us “fall in love”. It is made of feelings both tender and sensual to the other, a subtle mixture of complicity and sexual desire. Compassion (“Compassionate Love”) is similar to caring and altruism, hence a tendency to endure, to understand and accept each other unconditionally. Researchers like Bowlby or Maturana think this mutual caring attitude is innate and we provide a secure base from which to explore the world. Finally, the adult attachment (“Adult Attachment Love”) is characterized by a strong emotional connection to a “attachment figure” associated with protection, comfort and emotional stability. This feeling can emerge from the repeated experience of compassion on a long enough period of time to cement that trust.

Analysis and Findings

Each relationship is characterized by its proportion of intimacy, passion and commitment. That at least is the vision proposed by Robert Sternberg in his triangular model.

Sternberg’s model shows 7 types of romantic relationships, but first see the basic components:

 - Intimacy (emotional connection)

 In the model of Sternberg, privacy describes the reconciliation with others. It is open to the partner, sharing his emotions, his sensitivity, his interests, his dreams. It is exchanged, confide with transparency and honesty. Intimacy involves a sense of comfort and familiarity with each other.

To a lesser degree, intimate moments can live in fellowship groups as a class, a promotion or a sports club, or with a bus driver or a neighbor.

Privacy is an element of the romantic relationship that continues to grow, even long after the partners have met. Intimacy also reflects the need to belong: we need trustworthy people. The naturally confident people often have a better self-esteem, appreciate others and are less spiteful. The company on the other can also be the element that lets in his life to be guided. Those who prefer the privacy of canal will probably say that a long friendship can turn into love.

 - Passion (physical link)

 In a relationship, passion describes physical attraction, physiological arousal, the desire to unite with each other in an intense exclusivity. Individuals will often have a high self esteem and greatly concerned about the physical aspects of their relationship. Conversely, in its way inside, the memory of his first love and his longing also evoke passion or commitment or sharing of intimacy since being (once) loved is far from reality.

 The passion is growing probably at the beginning of the relationship and then stabilizes over time. Many artists and writers have never dried up on this intense love theme. The appeal body is transformed into work of art: a life instinct is desire, love of another or creation.

But passion can also gradually evolve into a complete love, where intimacy and commitment are born. The fire of passion can win other levels. The partner becomes partner in life, the fire that burns us is changed into one that enlightens us.

 - Commitment (cognitive link)

 Commitment (as defined in Sternberg, always) the will to prolong the couple. Sternberg also called commitment, when alone in the relationship, the “empty love.” The partners of the couple feel that they have a common interest to stay together rather than separate. Love is approaching a happy coexistence. The commitment involves emotional security (one of the five human needs in the Maslow pyramid) and predictability in the relationship. Each feeds his appetite for clarity in pursuing the relationship. In the love-commitment Sternberg, partners are pleased to be recognized as a couple by relatives. Their love through marriage, for example, employees shall also make a social affair. When the intimacy and passion went out, leaving only the commitment these couples stay together by habit, routine or easy. The surprises are less large, the rarest exciting opportunities. Stimulation of the first days decreases: the relationship becomes more reliable, more predictable and more invested.

 The commitment is also understood that choose is to renounce. Arranged marriages can be - or become - happy marriages where commitment seems the last step of the couple’s life, but the last step is the real beginning.

Possible duos of Sternberg

 Sternberg’s model also has relationships based on two main elements. These are the sides of the triangle. There are three types of relationships:

 - Intimacy + commitment = camaraderie

 This relationship is reminiscent of a long lasting friendship based on mutual support and complicity of two companions. This love experience differs little intimate friendship: both are based on sound and sustainable desrelations, where the attachment feeds of the agreement developed over time. One can also feel a common interest to stay together, to found long-term projects. In such relationships, the partners have on each other and wish to extend interdependence. There is a sharing of intellectual or artistic activity often improves the quality of the relationship. Without passion or love at first sight, the heart of friends can even get to the reassuring stability of marriage. Their companionship is a quiet love, loving and reasonable.

 - Intimacy + passion = romantic love

 Sternberg sees as intimacy and passion is romantic love. If one is attached to his emotions, romantic love is its essence: live strong emotions to exist.

Even when the feeling of love mingles with the suffering (or passion), is further proof that we are living in the center of the drama created by this unusual love, quivering. Poetry and literature are full of these romantic inspirations. To cite just one example, Théophile Gautier wrote in the Landes pine:

 ”We need [the poet] is at heart a deep cut

To unburden his verses, God tears of gold! “

 This thwarted love, unhappy and eternal opposes perhaps the commitment of marriage and family formation. The idea of starting a family may therefore oppose the romance lovers. Singing under the windows of her beautiful, it is not caring for the baby on the other side of this window.

 - Commitment + love = love crazy

 This relationship is often due to emotional dependency where partners are anxious about to be abandoned by the beloved. Sometimes they will even rush the wedding before being assured that their experiences of intimacy or their vision of the couple are compatible. They and they are not concerned about living together. Devoid of intimacy, this crazy love, Hollywood, also saw many in the imagination, where the other is idealized film actor, teacher, etc.

 The possible conquest of the ocean

 This mad love is full of fascination.


The center of the triangle Sternberg

When the three elements are present in the relationship, we have:

- Intimacy + passion + commitment = love accomplished

 This is the most accomplished form, the most complete and also the most rewarding of the relationship. The model Sternberg enough visually indicates.

Large format passion or in supermarkets tail?

The three necessary elements?

We can live a lasting and sincere love without sharing experience intense sexuality. One can know a happy relationship, living a love without long-term public commitment of marriage. The diversity of relationships is sufficient that a relationship can be lived well despite a little present or absent ingredient.

A relationship may spring from a single element, and then become fertile and balanced birthplace of others.

Fertile place dug in the evening gold

 Camus describes love as the mixture of these three ingredients, quite similar to the model Sternberg:

 ”But love, I know that this mixture of desire, tenderness and intelligence that binds me to be such.”

 All these forms of relationships and feelings are so different, but we call them all, incorrectly, “love”:

 ”This compound is not the same for another. I do not have the right to cover all these experiences the same name.”

 A key to success in love

According to the conducted survey, the success of the experience of love would hold the balance of three elements Sternberg: intimacy, passion and commitment. But the film is that love and that has imagined since childhood is not always in line with that of the other. It is in this self-discovery and the other that the agreement of everyone’s expectations - or each - will write a happy duet.


One of the first theorists to propose a scientific point of view on such a complex phenomenon of human love was a psychologist at Yale University Robert J. Sternberg. Sternberg Triangular Theory allows you to create logical picture of the different forms of love, describing the different types of relationships with using components such intimacy, passion and decision / commitment. B his theory offers a simple model suitable for the study of many relationship scenarios. Today it is one of the most popular concepts that explain the formation of relationships between people.

What means someone love? Is it always means the same thing, and if not, what is the difference between the different types of love? Why is it sometimes love is long and sometimes goes faster than there? The purpose of this article is to explain these and other issues with the help of a triangular theory of love. This theory of the three component considers the essence of love and different kinds of love in the relationship of different types.

The three components of love

The language triangular theory of love is the love of a combination of three components that are represented as vertices of a triangle. These components - intimacy (the top of the triangle top), passion (lower left triangle top) and decision / commitment (at the top in the bottom right triangle). (Components associated to the vertices of the triangle arbitrary way.) Each of these terms can be assigned a different meaning, so it is necessary to start to clarify their meaning in the context of this theory.

Under component quote privacy; refers to a sense of intimacy, mutual attachment and close ties between people, arising from a love relationship. Thus, this component includes the senses that create heat in romantic relationships. Under the component passion we will imply a romantic side of love, physical attraction, sexual relationships and related aspects of romantic relationships. In this way, the passion component includes sources of motivation and other excitement, which is due to the passionate feelings in romantic relationships.

Subcomponent decision / commitment involves the adoption of a decision to love another person and the obligation to keep that love. In this, Component decision / commitment includes cognitive elements involved in the decision to enter into love relationships and maintain for a long time.

Generally speaking, component intimacy quot; can be considered mainly, but not exclusively as a derivative emotional aspects of the relationship; love component - mainly, but not exclusively, as a derivative of motivating interest in the relationship; and calling the decision / commitment - Primarily, but not exclusively, as a derivative of a cognitive decision to enter into a relationship and keep them loyal. From one point of view, privacy component quote; can be considered hot, love component - component hot and decision / commitment -. Cold

All complex emotions caused by love, can be divided into components in different ways, so it is important to note at the outset that received by the division into components intimacy, passion and decision / commitment is not only possible, and in some cases, it is not generally appropriate. Nevertheless, it can be argued that the proposed division into components especially useful for understanding and operation elements like in a relationship.

Although the love, still it is like any other phenomena ...

In conclusion, and after a deep research from a theoretical and practical perspective, the researcher found out that people see love as a drug, it lasts for a maximum of three years, infidelity is a natural bathe in received ideas that are far from reflecting the real complexity the feeling of love.

“You are my drug”

“More deadly than a Rocket”

“More dangerous than a Lion”

“You’re my solution, my sweet problem”

All lovers of the world will agree with the above artist. Yet this model of love addiction that applies very well to crush loses some of its relevance since the couple last. Neurobiologists trying to explain well by a few micrograms of hormones of attachment maintaining the feeling of love beyond this period of madness in love (How do you become love Lucy Vincent,? Love is a soft drug in ... General Michel Reynaud and Catherine Siguret), sometimes described as psychotic state by psychoanalysis (The state of love, Christian David, the book of pain and love, JD.Nasio). For their part, ethologists justify the transience of passion by the necessitated to protect her offspring mainly in the first months of life. In short, each discipline interprets events in terms of his perspective. It is necessarily reductive.

Obviously, neither our hormones nor our animal nature is sufficient to explain our behavior in love. Any more than any need for reproduction justifies the loving infidelity. We must therefore turn to the sciences of the psyche to have better responses to the reality of the couples that last. Thus the psychologist Robert Sternberg theorized the triangle of love. According to the famous American psychologist, love is essentially based on three components: passion, intimacy and commitment. The dosage of these three ingredients colors the type of link love. A cocktail may change over time and events.

Passion, intimacy, commitment

Passion is the most obvious ingredient is the Hollywood version of romantic love white hots by sexual desire but with however some more surprising notes. Thus self-esteem, the look of our boyfriend / girlfriend pushes the zenith.

Intimacy summarizes the feeling of closeness, connection, link with the beloved. It also results in feelings of well-being in the presence of each other, mutual understanding, sharing, emotional support, respect and admiration. It is also the central component of friendship.

Finally the commitment is probably the least understood, if not the most unexpected of the three ingredients of love. This is in the short term, the decision to engage in a couple and in the longer term, the desire to make efforts to maintain the bond of love. It is a crucial component of the survival of the couple.

Evaluate torque

Everyone can evaluate her relationship with the triangle Sternberg. The three elements are present they or one of them is it getting weaker? Sometimes, for example, that one of the two partners, dissatisfied with the progress of his marriage, decides to increase its level of commitment. During this phase, it will then provide important efforts to change the situation. But if the other does not realize and does not turn into a phase of effort to achieve a new satisfactory condition for both, the crisis is inevitable. Same thing if efforts are not sincere or are limited to some minor adjustment measures. Whoever has made efforts alone for a while, then will give up and go into a withdrawal phase, which can even lead to separation. It is not unusual that the other is so surprised for a decision that seems too excessive him that high levels of privacy and / or passion are still evident.

But other theories have also their interest in understanding the loving attraction. Thus the psychoanalyst Lemaire explains in his book the couple: his life, his death how partners take each unaware of the couple benefits. The concept of union based on our unconscious weaknesses is certainly less glamorous than the romantic vision but sometimes it illuminates some otherwise incomprehensible links. It also explains why the psychological evolution of one of the two can sometimes upset a link that seemed unalterable.

Obviously, the feeling of love resists simplification.

Reference List

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Appendix: Questionnaire

Dear participant kindly fill in the following according to the following scale:

                1                    2                    3                   4                   5                  6                  7



    Very strongly      Strongly         Disagree       Neutral         Agree      Strongly   Very strongly

    Disagree              Disagree                                                                        Agree          Agree

  1. I would like it if my partner and I spent more time talking about how we feel.
  2. I often want to say something, but do not because I am afraid how my beloved will react
  3. I feel comfortable with my beloved most of the time.
  4. I can feel vulnerable with my beloved.
  5. My beloved always seems distant.
  6. I am comfortable expressing anger with my beloved.
  7. I am comfortable expressing sadness with my beloved.
  8. I feel I know and understand who my beloved is.
  9. We used to share more of our lives with one another than we do now.
  10. I always feel safe expressing how I feel with my beloved.
  11. I feel like I can by myself around my beloved.
  12. There are specific issues that we have an unspoken agreement not to discuss.
  13. I think that my beloved knows who I am.
  14. My beloved knows about the significant events in my life that shaped who I am.
  15. My beloved knows what causes me to feel stressed.
  16. Sometimes I wish I knew my beloved better.
  17. My beloved knows all of my dreams for the future.